Ford Five Hundred: The 2AM Oppositelock Review

"BrownMiataDieselWagon" (opporamblings) 04/11/2015 at 11:15 • Filed to: Review, Ford, Ford Five Hundred

5

9

( Full Disclosure: I was out with friends and we called an Uber to get back to campus. The Uber driver was late and we waited inside a Taco Bell. I may or may not have had more than one Burrito Supreme. Never again. Here's the review, for the car that is. Burrito review maybe later.)

Now that is out the way, onto the actual review. The car in question is a Ford Five Hundred. According to Wikipedia, Ford started making them in 2004 and then stopped in 2007 for whatever reason. I don't know what model year the one I rode in was. Okay.

Exterior- (5/10)

It was silver, possibly grey. I'm not really sure. It's dark at 2:oo AM. It looks like a car.

Interior- (5/10)

It seats five.

Acceleration- (5/10)

0-35mph in a few seconds, nice and gently.

Braking- (5/10)

Thomas (the Uber driver) stopped at all the stoplights. But he rolled through a stop sign.

Ride- (5/10)

It was fine. I am indifferent about his bossa nova playlist.

Handling- (5/10)

City streets? No problem.

Gearbox- (5/10)

I don't remember him shifting.

Toys- (5/10)

I admit it, I was a pretty bad customer. I played with the buttons and knobs on the dash the whole time.

Audio- (5/10)

Too much Stan Getz.

Value- (5/10)

$17 is a bit steep for college students.

Overall- (50/100)

Engine: It has one.

Power: There's probably enough.

Transmission: The driver didn't shift.

0-35mph: Nice and easy.

Drivetrain: FWD or AWD

Curb Weight: Probably over 3000 pounds

Seating: 5 okay.

MPG: We didn't stop at a gas station.

It might have actually been a Ford Fusion.

Textured Soy Protein > BrownMiataDieselWagon 04/11/2015 at 11:18

5

Ford started making them in 2004 and then stopped in 2007 for whatever reason.

Because they gave it a facelift and renamed it to Taurus.

BrownMiataDieselWagon > Textured Soy Protein 04/11/2015 at 11:23

0

Ah, that makes sense.

jkm7680 > BrownMiataDieselWagon 04/11/2015 at 12:25

0

Please tell me it didn't have cloth seats. Because cloth seats in a car that lots of people ride in are disgusting.

cornerslide > BrownMiataDieselWagon 04/11/2015 at 12:26

1

I like this. The punchline is the joke. A long and funny way of saying yes this is a car and yes this college student got home.

BrownMiataDieselWagon > jkm7680 04/11/2015 at 12:31

0

i had no choice

jkm7680 > BrownMiataDieselWagon 04/11/2015 at 12:44

0

I cry every time after I sat in a minivan taxi with wet cloth seats.

BrownMiataDieselWagon > jkm7680 04/11/2015 at 12:50

0

I know, the feeling is like stepping on a puddle of mystery liquid in your house while wearing socks.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > BrownMiataDieselWagon 04/11/2015 at 13:48

0

Thanks guys now I need to go compulsively throw up

The Compromiser > BrownMiataDieselWagon 04/11/2015 at 14:35

0

500 had CVT. No shifting.